BladeRunner 2049 – SPOILER Review

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Let’s dispense with the gushing platitudes up front. BladeRunner 2049 is NOT a good movie. It’s a Pinocchio with a tagged on twist movie. I’ll give it credit for the excellent soundtrack and beautiful cityscapes but the rest was a mess.

  1. The Story was weak. (SPOILERS coming in FAST). Joe finds a date carved on a tree, that is also on a horse toy in his memory. When Joe finds the hidden toy later, that he supposedly hid, he believes that he is the son of Deckard and Rachel. Nevermind the fact that the there is no point for the the tree to have that inscribed date nor the horse having the same date. It’s a convenience to push the story along even though there is no reason for it. However without it, the easily connected dots could not be connected.
  2. Harrison Ford serves no purpose in the movie. Other than the fact that his big bad replica self (yeah, they are still trying to be ambiguous on this) has super sperm that can knock up a replicant. Why do we care about replicants being knocked up? (FYI: Ford doesn’t even show up until the last hour in this 3 hour bore fest.)
  3. Because Jared Leto, as the forgettably bad CEO company man, can’t make replicants fast enough so he wants to go back to breeding. What? You’re telling me that it takes longer than 9 months to make a replicant? Oh wait… You’re telling me that it takes longer than 20 years or so to make 1 replicant? You have to add in the child growing up. That’s just dumb. Completely dumb. Intolerably dumb.
  4. Joe is flying out into the wastelands to check on this orphanage that the child of Rachel was passed through and gets shot down by these marauders. Luckily, he gets shot down within walking distance of where he needs to be. Then Leto’s woman uses VR missile command to blow the bad guys up so Joe can walk over a hill and find the orphanage. Did I mention that every scene is one of convenience just so the threadbare story can move at all?
  5. Joe has a hologram girlfriend. In the stupidest form of tech speculation EVER… The hologram can go and be anywhere as long as Joe keeps this tech stick with him (usually in his pocket). Where does the hologram project from?
  6. The girl that creates memories comes from out of left field. But hey, we need some way to get the daughter of Rachel and Deckard into the movie. That’s right, Joe isn’t the son. The daughter created the fake memories that were placed into Joe’s head and would lead him to finding Deckard even though it makes no sense why she would do this? Oh… he also hid the horse with the date on it, so we have to believe that SHE hid the horse with the date on it, in the furnace, and then wrote that memory onto him. But why??? The convenience of moving this very weak story forward. If she hadn’t done that, then we could never connect the implausible dots to have a story.
  7. The resolution leaves it open. The bad guy (Leto) is sort of just left out there. Ford get’s off with fake dying and then is introduced to his daughter who created this dynamic never knowing the point to which it would come to. My god this is the most convoluted and shoddily put together story ever.

Honestly… The Ghost in the Shell movie was better and made more sense than this travesty. I hate saying that because BladeRunner the Final Cut is a masterpiece of cyberpunk greatness. Cyberpunk is my favorite subgenre of sci-fi even. So for this long awaited sequel to just tank this badly is a real disappointment. To hear people actually call this thought provoking and packed with substance, tells me that people will fall for anything if they refuse to think about it. There is no substance here though. This movie provokes zero thought, other than how it is shoddily stitched together. It’s the lowest form of storytelling where every scene is a deus ex machina solution just to keep it all going forward.

Catch it on streaming but don’t waste your money or time to see it in the theater. Honestly… by the second hour I was just waiting for Harrison Ford to show up and save the movie (he doesn’t save it at all). I really just wanted to walk out of the artsy bore fest. It was that bad.