Bruce Wayne – Entry 2
At what point do the demons inside actually consume you? When did I let them take the reigns of my life and bottle up the outside face of myself so that the cape and cowl were all that were really left of me? When did living mean that to feel, I had to feel the bleeding knuckles from removing the filth, come home with a body wracked with pain from over exertion, or even come home depressed from a night that was actually quiet? At some point the demon, the bat… took over and consumed me.
Alfred worries that I will be the last of my line. He knows this is true, but he still worries all the same. I can’t think of bringing a wife, let alone a child, into the madness that is the bat. I feel like I have disappointed the old man daily. He virtually raised me and he wanted me to be so much better than I turned out. He’d never admit to this but I can sense his feelings on the matter. If I could have been like Clark, then I have a feeling that the old man would have been quite proud then.
Speaking of Clark, he was in town a few days ago with his wife Lois. They were beaming, happy, all smiles. Meanwhile, I had a mask on my face that to them, only resembled a smile. I envy Clark to a certain degree. He wants to have it all, and he won’t let any internal demons stop him. He’s a pure boy scout through and through. He revels in the light while I exist in the dark.
The sun has started to set. I keep looking out the window in anticipation of what I may find tonight. This isn’t good. This really isn’t who I wanted to be or how I wanted to live my life. But how can I stop?
-Jason Falter (2018)